When I was married I had no love and respect. At first I accepted it, but gradually I started asking the question “and what about me?” It got unbearable and I knew something had to change. I thought I only had three choices. Stay and make excuses for him, blame and trash him and do that as a lifestyle, or leave. In other words, make it all about him.
I learned pretty quickly that excuses don’t work, and also that blaming and trashing as a lifestyle, believing that everything is men’s fault, didn’t work either. Blaming is a great tool while I’m having a rant. I give myself total freedom to be uncensored in my badness, my bitchiness. It’s a good way of getting that trapped energy out of my body.
But I couldn’t stay there, because it took the focus away from me and it didn’t change my partner. While I was pointing the finger at somebody else I wasn’t paying attention to myself and what I needed. So actually it became just another form of the elastic syndrome.
Once the blaming / trashing session was over and I was actually interacting with whatever partner I had, I rubber-banded back to pre-Victorian ways of responding to life in the same way that disempowered women in love do, no matter how advanced and intelligent my understanding was.
So I chose number three. I left. But I wasn’t doing any work on myself. I didn’t know I had to, I wasn’t conscious of my entitlement and self esteem, or that I couldn’t be real. So I found another man just the same as the one I’d left. At first I didn’t realize it; I believed everything was going to be fine now.
But of course it wasn’t, because I wasn’t drawn to these kinds of men by chance, it was something in me that landed me there every time. Having exhausted my three choices I realized that, annoying and challenging as it was, my enemy was within.
I had to make a fourth choice – to face the truth that it was scary for me to be real, that my entitlement and self esteem were lousy, and that I didn’t believe I deserved love and respect. I had to acknowledge that I could only change myself, I couldn’t change anybody else. Women in love are notoriously bad at making this fourth choice!
I had to build my entitlement and self esteem, and for that to happen I had to stop looking at my partners. I had to really look at me, see what I had, what I didn’t have, what I could and couldn’t do, and what I needed so that I could be complete, empowered and strong within myself. So that I could learn to be real and get love and respect.
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