Sunday, May 6, 2012

And What About Me? Without Entitlement And Self Esteem There Is No Love And Respect

When I was married I had no love and respect.  At first I accepted it, but gradually I started asking the question “and what about me?”  It got unbearable and I knew something had to change.  I thought I only had three choices.  Stay and make excuses for him, blame and trash him and do that as a lifestyle, or leave.  In other words, make it all about him.

I learned pretty quickly that excuses don’t work, and also that blaming and trashing as a lifestyle, believing that everything is men’s fault, didn’t work either.  Blaming is a great tool while I’m having a rant.  I give myself total freedom to be uncensored in my badness, my bitchiness.  It’s a good way of getting that trapped energy out of my body.  

But I couldn’t stay there, because it took the focus away from me and it didn’t change my partner.  While I was pointing the finger at somebody else I wasn’t paying attention to myself and what I needed.  So actually it became just another form of the elastic syndrome.  

Once the blaming / trashing session was over and I was actually interacting with whatever partner I had, I rubber-banded back to pre-Victorian ways of responding to life in the same way that  disempowered women in love do, no matter how advanced and intelligent my understanding was.

So I chose number three.  I left.  But I wasn’t doing any work on myself.  I didn’t know I had to, I wasn’t conscious of my entitlement and self esteem, or that I couldn’t be real.  So I found another man just the same as the one I’d left.  At first I didn’t realize it; I believed everything was going to be fine now.  

But of course it wasn’t, because I wasn’t drawn to these kinds of men by chance, it was something in me that landed me there every time.  Having exhausted my three choices I realized that, annoying and challenging as it was, my enemy was within.  

I had to make a fourth choice – to face the truth that it was scary for me to be real, that my entitlement and self esteem were lousy, and that I didn’t believe I deserved love and respect.  I had to acknowledge that I could only change myself, I couldn’t change anybody else.   Women in love are notoriously bad at making this fourth choice!

I had to build my entitlement and self esteem, and for that to happen I had to stop looking at my partners.  I had to really look at me, see what I had, what I didn’t have, what I could and couldn’t do, and what I needed so that I could be complete, empowered and strong within myself.  So that I could learn to be real and get love and respect.

To buy my ebook And What About Me? Am I Into Him? on how to get real love and respect and be real in relationships,  Click the title.