I used to have lousy entitlement and self esteem. Like many women in love I couldn’t be real in relationships, and I wrestled with how my partner never knew what I wanted. Why couldn’t he just work it out? I figured out what he wanted, all the time. I wished he could just give me what I needed without my having to ask for it. I told myself it was romantic and that it meant he loved me if he knew what I wanted.
But now I think differently. First of all, I’m not sure I did really know what he wanted; I just pandered to his unhealthy entitlement and my unhealthy self esteem. And seriously, why is it romantic for somebody else to make choices for me? I think it’s actually much more romantic if he’s strong enough to handle me saying what I want – and then he says okay. If he can, of course.
Look at all the potential for strokes there. I speak, I get heard. That feels good. I say what I want without watering it down. That feels fantastic. He wants to know. Heaven, I’m in heaven. Plus, I get whatever it is that I actually want, providing we can afford it, of course!
Then I can do the same for him, and I get all the pleasure of listening to him, wanting to know, letting him say what he really wants, doing my best to give that to him. Now we're cooking, the two of us! I think that’s what love really is, both partners being able to be authentic. It’s where the real connection, love and respect are, and that's the most romantic and fulfilling thing in the world.
It sure beats wishing and hoping and being disappointed, not wanting to show your disappointment, getting angry, getting depressed, getting disillusioned with men and love. You can still have the roses and chocolates, you just have to let him know you want them. And you can ask for exactly the kind you like.
Which doesn’t compare to him reading my mind and me trying to read his. Why do I need him to be a mind-reader? Haven’t I got a mouth and a voice? Could it be that I’ve learned it’s bad to use them, it’s unfeminine, it makes me selfish; it means I’m not attractive enough for him to want to figure it out? Possibly.
Back in the days I wished my partner could somehow intuit what I wanted, I wasn’t really looking for romance. I was looking for somebody who would rescue me from having to make my own decisions, from having to face all the discomfort of claiming what I wanted. From facing my own fear of risking being in my power. Now that my entitlement and self esteem are stronger, I love saying what I want!
To buy my ebook And What About Me? Am I Into Him? on how to get real love and respect and be real in relationships, Click the title.