Wednesday, August 24, 2016

What About Me? We're Allowed to Be Real In Relationships

In those days when I was in and out of relationships that left me feeling worthless, I used to wonder all the time, who am I?  Am I the person who can’t find love and respect, or am I the person who can get inspired and can see how it could happen for me?  Or am I both those people?  Why can’t I make the two parts of me come together?

Eventually I realized that I kept hoping for change but I was trying the same thing over and over again.  I was getting inspired from books and films and motivational-speak and believing that meant I had changed.  But I was behaving the same way as I always had in relationships, so actually nothing changed. I was still making my partner more important than me, accepting that I had no right to be valued and treated with respect.  Believing I had no other options.  I was doing the only thing I could think of; following advice of the “experts” that came into my world.  But they couldn’t help me much because I was really afraid to let myself face the truth of my own emotions and feelings.

I was so afraid that if I really let myself see how much I needed I would also see that it was too much. So much that nobody in the world could ever give it to me.  I would just be a burden to everybody.  I didn’t want to face that pain. 

It was much easier to read motivational books and hope they would miraculously somehow rescue me.  Motivational speak is so attractive, there’s no real challenge in it.

It doesn’t get you anywhere either. I can see now that I was only afraid of my truth because I didn’t have any skills to deal with my emotions. So they terrified me. But I learned those skills, and how to listen to myself and my truth all the time, how to recognize emotions and feelings, how to express them so they don’t build up inside of me. That's what being real is.

The more I did it and still do, the less scary emotions my emotions became and the easier it was for me to acknowledge the truth of whatever I was feeling. I started to know what it was like to feel important. Of course I did, somebody was be giving me quality attention – me. I was doing for myself what a good mother or father (or both) would do for their child. Self love, that’s where it starts. When we can do great relationship with ourselves, we can do it with our partners, and everybody else. Otherwise we're just pretending and living in terror that we'll be discovered for being a fraud.